A few years ago, after my Mum had passed on, I decided to accept the invitation of a, now former, very close friend (in fact, my first ever Leather mentor) to spend some time at his place, in order to get a bit of a change of scenery. I accepted.

Whilst there, I invited my mentor to accompany me on a visit to another friend of mine in the area, a person with whom had been discussed the subject of eventually being in his service. I figured that they would get along well as friends, and that the greater the number of fools, the greater the laughter.

My potential SIR surprised me by putting a Trial Collar on my neck soon after we arrived, but unfortunately, my two friends initially got on like oil and water. However, by the second day, my potential SIR was really into my other friend, and the feeling being mutual, all of a sudden, I became invisible.

In fact, one day, while we were all at the gym, I was left in the locker room to keep an eye on their personal effects while they decided to play a game of footsies in the shower... as if I had nothing better to do with my time than to play lookout for them.

Now exploring the possibility of entering into service while I was grieving the passing of my Mum may not have been the brightest move I've ever made, I'll admit. That being said, I never expected that someone who considered themselves to be a SIR would ever engage in such disrespectful action toward me, particularly while I was wearing his Trial Collar.

As for my former very close friend -- we're talking a ten-year friendship here -- though I told him explicitly, while he was doing it, that I considered his actions hurtful and disrespectful toward me, well he just kept on keeping on. In my mind, it was completely unfathomable that this friend could ever cause me hurt, but here he was, committing the cardinal sin in the Leather world of being "sublier than thou" and acting to win the attention of my potential SIR, as I am standing by, watching, wearing the Trial Collar.

Considering that I was there to receive comfort from both of them given that I had just lost the most important person in my life, it was all the more rude.

His response was that he was sorry that I felt that way, but with everything he now knew, he would still do the same thing... he was only following his heart. To which I replied: "If you wouldn't change a single thing knowing how much your actions hurt me, then you can't really be all that sorry, now can you?"

I decided to walk away from those friendships, never to talk to them again.

In the meantime, I talked to another mentor and he impressed upon me the importance of forgiveness. I reluctantly agreed that he had a point.

The next time I made my way to the same part of the world these two people resided, a friend common to me and the guy who was my potential SIR had informed them I would be there (I hadn't), and pro-actively they contacted me to set things right, particularly since both of them were now living together and a Collar was involved.

I agreed to meet them, and we all agreed to see if something could be salvaged from our friendship. I had agreed to forgive, but I was very clear to both of them that I had not at all forgotten, that trust had been shattered, and that they both had a very long way to go before we would be anywhere near the level of trust we had enjoyed previously.

Trust, like respect, is something that is earned. Some of us are more willing to initially give it more quickly than others, but once it has been betrayed, the climb back up the hill is quite the hike!

They both said they were OK with that concept.

Given that, I agreed to visit them, as a couple, a short while later. Unfortunately, while I was there, though my former potential SIR did modify his behaviour for the better, my former mentor treated me just as poorly, if not worse, than during my previous visit.

That is when I walked away for good.

I didn't make a scene, I didn't scream. I simply decided that when I left, I would no longer contact them and wait to see how long it would take for them to notice I was gone.

It has been well over a year since and I've yet to hear a word from either of them.

In the end, when it came to down to actions speaking louder than words, it was clearly demonstrated that my friendship was not really all that important.

So, to answer your question, I would say that it is most definitely NOT a retreat to decide to take care of yourself. However, the principle of forgiveness should always be in your heart.

If it is not there, you need to find it. The inability to forgive is what eventually turns people extremely bitter and negative, and those folks wind up alone because their company, unfortunately, is just simply unpleasant.

If, in time, your friend comes back to you and finds his balls long enough to say: "I screwed up. Not only am I sorry, but I will PROVE that I am sorry by not doing that hurtful thing again," then you owe it to him and yourself to treat him as you would wish to be treated if the roles were reversed.

You should not feel as if you are letting yourself down in this context... you are setting the terms for the renewal of the friendship, and you have ownership of the role of ensuring those terms are respected. If they are not, you should feel no guilt about simply doing what it is you said you were going to do if you felt you were not being respected.

If following the apology, there is no actual change in behaviour and it is back to the same ol', same ol', then your "friend's" apology was completely insincere. In that case, you should not hesitate whatsoever to call him out on his bad behaviour, hold his feet to the fire about it, and feel just ducky about cutting out the cancer for good.