• Find our sense of optimism again;
• Show support for events by purchasing tickets when they come out rather than waiting until the last minute;
• Tell business owners who are feeding negativity that you are not impressed, and then shop elsewhere until they have shown they can grow up; and
• Demand that the two media players within our tiny Community get together to offer options that would allow for co-sponsorship of Community events.

I always enjoy hearing from my readers. Please do not hesitate to send praise, constructive criticism, comments, and column suggestions to leathertigger@hotmail.com

I always enjoy hearing from my readers. Please do not hesitate to send praise, constructive criticism, comments, and column suggestions to leathertigger@hotmail.com

On my Leather Journey, I have been quite fortunate to have met and established relationships with more than one of these people. One has found the inner strength and bravery required to put an end to a life of addiction and to return to school. One is a source of great knowledge, kindness and wisdom. Another has unshakable personal integrity and is the most loyal of friends a person could ever wish to have.

These people have had a profound impact on my life. Some are merely acquaintances for whom I have admiration; people who I aspire to be like. However, a few of them have become friends of mine. I would even go as far as to say that my respect for these friends is such that I consider them as my mentors.

I happened upon one of my mentors in the course of my preparation for the Mr Leather Ottawa-Outaouais contest just over two years ago. As I was trolling the net for online info about Leather, I came across leatherpage.com and the writings of a Mr. Robert Davolt.

It was like falling upon a gold mine! I found a collection of informative, skillfully written, carefully researched, and at times side-splittingly funny stories about the world of Leather. When I am the audience the worst thing a performer can do is to leave me indifferent. Make me love you or hate you but at least make me feel something! Blessed with a turn of phrase that hooks the reader to then be reeled in, it became quickly clear to me that this Davolt character had lots to say, an entertaining way of saying it and had a rather interesting life experience behind him. There was absolutely no indifference here!

Throughout my title year, I had plenty of opportunities to get to know Robert Davolt. A good number of titleholders, past and present, participate in an online discussion forum. To say that Mr. Davolt is an active participant in this forum would be an understatement!

Whether you love him or hate him, his contributions are always of substance, on-topic and he is never afraid to challenge a person’s convictions. It is Robert who drilled into my head that knowing what I believe will always be less important than knowing why it is I believe it in the first place. It is he who convinced me that it is not unreasonable to demand excellence from others. It is he who inspired me to write.

I have no shame in admitting that a good deal of the motivation for this column comes from the fact that I was exposed to the writings of Robert Davolt. To be honest, they were so much fun to read that I assumed it would be just as much fun to write them. Figuring I could use some fun, I decided to give it a whirl!

It is much more work than I thought it would be; after all, inspiration doesn’t always follow pre-established deadlines. That being said, it is quite fun! Every time I sit down to the computer to pump out a new serving of what’s on my mind, I get to experience once again, key moments from my life. To me, this is a most beautiful gift!

Robert not only inspired me to write in the first place, but he also unwittingly fueled the fires of my writing. One day when reading one of his postings to the Titleholders’ discussion forum, I saw that he had referred someone to my writings. I nearly fell off my chair! Right in front of my eyes was an endorsement of my writing by someone whose talent as a writer I deeply respect. I mean, how cool is that?

It was his approval that increased my confidence in my ability as a writer. It has lead to my taking more risks and being inspired to attempt tackling much more diverse subjects. When coupled with the flattering response I have received from the kind readers who have tapped me on the shoulder to let me know they appreciate this column… What better motivation could there be for me to keep on producing a new piece every month?!

I have had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Davolt on a few occasions. Most recently, we had lunch together in his hometown of San Francisco. I was in town for only a few hours and wanted to make good on a promise made to visit him on his home turf. Those few hours were most meaningful and fun. We had lunch, took a quick walking tour of the area, laughed our heads off and made the obligatory Ben & Jerry’s stop.

I had the opportunity to ask him about anything about which I was curious and he answered candidly. He was just as interested in learning more about me as I was about him. This made the experience all the more memorable.

Today, I received a package in the mail from Mr. Davolt. It contained a thoughtful gift and kind words. Both were an encouragement for me to keep writing.

The message to me also contained words to the effect that he is entering the twilight moments of his life. The purpose of this text is to ensure he knows how much I appreciate him.

I am very sad today.

With much respect,
Douglas Connors
Mr. Leather Ottawa-Outaouais 2003

NOTE: I forgot to mention it in previous columns but a shout of congratulations needs to be given to current Canadian Leather Man Paul Ciantar from Toronto who earned this year’s Canadian Award at the Pantheon of Leather Community Service Awards. Congratulations also go out to our own Mr Leather Ottawa-Hull 2002 Alex Wisniowski who took home the prestigious President’s Award in recognition of his many years of devoted service to the community. I have witnessed Alex”s work over the years and this was a much deserved tribute.

© 2005, Douglas Connors, Positive Body Image Productions

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Is our community dying?

I’ll let you sit with the question for a bit.

It isn’t usually my style to start things off with such an in-your-face statement, but I can’t deny that I have found myself asking this question more and more of late.

I have the good fortune of getting to network, collaborate and talk with a number of people in this community on a fairly regular basis, in particular business people and community activists.

One subject of conversation that keeps being touched upon is the semblance that the Ottawa GLBTQ community is in a rut (and that would be putting it lightly).

In the past few years there have been many public battles between businesses, media and community groups. These battles have had a noticeable negative impact on our community. It has become increasingly difficult to organize community events given that, often, the decisions of these entities to support an event is more based on who else is participating rather than on the benefits it can provide overall. It is sort of like basing your decision on going to a party on whether the guest list includes somebody you don’t particularly care for rather than on your potential for having fun. Is this the best way to build a community?

There has been great flux in the number and quality of our bars in recent years. There has also been a great decrease in the number of people who actually go out. Members of our community tend to party out of town and have found other environments in which to socialize. Our gathering places just don’t seem as full as I remember them back in the days of Taktiks and Polo. People have long complained that most our bars have been, for too long, hiding us in basements (Swizzles, Edge), behind darkened windows (VIP), or on upper levels (Lookout). The reason CP has had such a lengthy run is that it is the only bar that is on a somewhat major street where we can see and be seen.  If we are not visible, are we a community?

Many of our community institutions have been having a rough go of things in the past few years. Based on what has been published in the papers it would be kind to say that the AIDS Committee of Ottawa has faced difficult times, as has the Making Scenes Film Festival. The Drag Awards have also gone by the wayside recently. When an event goes under or when a community group faces difficulties, does the community not lose a piece of itself?

In addition, many attempts to try new things have also met with sad fates… it sure didn’t take long for the Bruce House Ball to peter out. And let us not forget the cancellation of Capital Xtra’s Community Heroes awards due to lack of nominations. In my opinion, that is one of the bigger losses. What does it say about our community when we can’t even find it within ourselves to say thank you to and recognize those who have made valuable contributions to our quality of life?

And then of course there is the biggest story of all… the ups and downs of our beloved Pride Committee. While Pride itself got bigger and better, the committee’s financial situation has been slipping. A few years ago, several members from all segments of our community banded together to create a fundraiser to be held at the NAC. The hall was donated to us. If we filled it, we could have raised over $20,000 for Pride. Three days before the show, it had to be cancelled because less than 200 people in our entire community had purchased a ticket to support the event. Is this reflective of the actions of a proud community?

There is no doubt that there is something amiss in our community. I don’t know what the entire solution to the problem is, but suffice it to say that if our community isn’t dying, then it is most definitely suffering from basement-low morale.

Here is what I do know, however. We are a small community. We don’t have the luxury of pulling from a base of 2 to 4 million people and we don’ t yet have the advantages that come from a vibrant Village as is the case in Toronto or Montreal. Our community is too small for businesses, media and community groups to be practicing exclusion. There are so few of us that we need everyone’s participation to make things work. All this nose-cutting and face-spiting leads nowhere. At some point soon, if we don’t wish to condemn our community to being on life support, contributing to its greater good will have to become more important than the individual battles being waged.

We also have to start supporting our businesses, establishments and events more. It is difficult for our business to sponsor community events if we don’t support them with our dollar. They are also less likely to support future events when they suffer the consequences of unethical dealings of community members. Those in our community who volunteer to organize events are less willing to do so again when they become disheartened by low attendance. Spring is coming and it is time for us to be seen again. We have been hibernating for much longer than a winter. We’re gay! We’re supposed to be out!

There is also no doubt that we need some rallying points. There has been some talk about a campaign for a Community Centre. That is certainly an idea well worth supporting. As well, I can guarantee you that the first person to open a decent bar on Bank Street, with clear windows fronting on the street (like Sky in Montreal, for example), will have licence to print money.

Finally, maybe it is time that our Pride Parade became political again? Ottawa Pride started out as a protest march. We are in the nation’s capital. We march in front of Parliament. Shouldn’t we be using our Pride as an opportunity to play a leadership role among the Canadian GLBTQ Community by loudly asserting our rights and demands for equality on a national scale? If tens of thousands of people can come to Ottawa for anti-globalization marches, certainly we too could draw from gay communities across Canada for an annual March on the Parliament for Gay Rights. Who knows, maybe doing so would bring enough business dollars into town to make it so that Pride can experience the financial turnaround it needs!

A few weeks ago, on a pleasant Sunday afternoon, I picked up the phone to call my mother (yes, I’m a good boy!). Following the stroke she suffered a few years ago that resulted in her losing use of her left side, I had to move her into nursing home.

The kind folks at the home answered and informed me that Mom could not come to phone. The reason: She was being loaded up into an ambulance and was being taken to the hospital. I was also told that it must be somewhat serious because Mom, who hates being in any medical institution with a passion, had agreed to go.

A few hours later, I received a call from the E.R. doctor on duty at the Montfort hospital. I was told that I should come to Mom’s bedside; she likely wouldn’t last the night.

That night, I stayed with her until exhaustion got the better of me around 4 AM. A few days later, I was told that there was nothing more that could medically be done for Mom, and that we were on deathwatch.

She was returned to her nursing home for palliative care and what followed was a very emotional week. Mom, being the fighter she is, wasn’t going down quietly nor was she going down without a fight.

All my ex-boyfriends except one, who Mom had adopted as her own children, came to her bedside. I had time to call some of her family members as well as some of her personal friends.

Though Mom wasn’t very religious, she did have a very strong and personal connection with the Lord, and she was able to sit with a priest on two occasions.

My sister Debra came to visit, as did my brother Robert with whom I had not been in contact for over 6 years. In the last week of her life, Mom had one of her most joyous moments… being surrounded by as many of her children as possible.

She made her transition, quietly and peacefully at 11:35 AM on Monday, February 7.

I have watched my Mom’s steady decline for the greater part of the last 3 years.  It has been a very painful and difficult experience. While I am struck with great sadness by her passing, I am aware that I have been preparing for this moment since her decline started. I have been losing bits and pieces of her daily since then. Now she is all gone.

In one way, I am happy. She suffers no longer, and though it may seem selfish to admit it, it is a relief that I no longer have to bear witness to her pain. There is nothing more I could have done in her final days, there was nothing left unsaid; she and I were given the great fortune of a chance for some closure. I am grateful and feel blessed.

The real blessing in all of this is that though I have lost Mom, I have regained my sister Debra and my brother Robert. We have all already set a date to visit with each other next month. This brings joy! I know that Mom is smiling about this too.

Mom’s memorial service was something excessively difficult for me to go through. All of sudden it seemed that many of the members of her family, most of whom had not been in touch for 25 years or more, were all oh so grief stricken and beside themselves. The thought of dealing with people who didn’t bother to visit her while she was living and well, let alone ill, expressing their sympathies to me seemed hollow and hypocritical.

“Why didn’t you call us?”…. “Uh, because never in my lifetime have I ever had your phone number!”

“My, how you’ve grown!”… “Well I would hope so considering I was all of 2 the last time you saw me!”

“She was such a wonderful woman!”… “Really? Considering you didn’t have any form of communication with her at all in the last 20 years, I wonder how you’d know that!”

I know the above sounds sarcastic and angry… but I was.  I still am.

Mom was a very simple woman. Headstrong yet generous, she put her love for her children above anything else. She would gladly go without so that others could have. She had the spirit of a fighter and had a love of living. Despite that fact she had an impossibly harsh and tragic life, she remained a joyous woman.

She was my best friend in my childhood years, my confidante as a teenager, and one of the only sources of unconditional love I have known throughout my entire life. I miss her like crazy and will love her until the day I too make my transition.

I was originally planning to have the memorial at my home. Mom would have wanted it that way. However, the cousins, aunts, uncles and their children, who she wouldn’t know from Adam were she to bump into them on the street but still wanted to assuage themselves of their guilt, were all coming I was told. I agreed, against my better judgement, to move the memorial service to a larger location.

This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The new location wasn’t as centrally located as my home and as such only 37 of the supposed multitude made an appearance. Of those, a good dozen or more were my personal friends that came to offer me support, her children or personal friends.

As a result, things went relatively smoothly. My soul was also done a great deal of good thanks to an Aboriginal Elder who saw Mom off on her journey with a Travelling Song.

Upon returning home, after things had quieted down a little, I opened up the sympathy cards that were brought to her memorial. I very quickly discovered that the few in which people had put cash donations to help my family were stolen from the table upon which Mom’s ashes were displayed.

My heart sunk…

In memoriam

Denise Annette Connors (née Vézina)

1939-06-13 / 2005-02-07

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As the clock ticked off the seconds until 2005, I felt a huge collective sigh of relief. For many, it seems that 2004 was a bad year and they just couldn’t wait to see it gone. Hurricanes, bird flu, mad cow and then… the quake that rocked the world certainly put a big ol’ cherry atop that humbug sundae.

With a new year on our doorstep, people tend to make resolutions. This year, I have not made a single one. In fact, I am still working on a few from previous years, the most important of which is proactively overcoming fears and challenges.

In the last few years, this boy has done a great deal of growing up. For the first time in my life, I had ended a relationship (and between you and I, having been on both sides of the fence, I have learned that it is hard to end a relationship than it is to be the one who is let go). I have taken on the challenge of home ownership. My mother having suffered a stroke during my year as Mr Leather, I have had to learn how to be another’s Power of Attorney. Finally, by running for and earning the Mr Leather title and taking on the duties associated with it, I have learned to put myself out there and not let the fact that I am painfully shy or soft-spoken limit what I can do or contribute.

When I look at it, my cup runneth over, and those are just the big things. If I sit back and think about it, there is a whole gamut of little things in my life that have been challenging and that have inspired fear. For example, I have a great fear of heights, but given the number of roller coasters I have been on recently, I am slowly conquering that one. Another example would be conquering my fear of being on the sub side of an intense SM session.

The funny thing is that as I have been proactively taking action to not let the things I fear and find challenging act as a hindrance to me, I have been collecting the rewards that come with pushing through these obstacles. I have also realized that those who face life head-on are the folks for whom I tend to have the deepest affinities and for whom I have great admiration.

One of the greatest fears I have, in fact that many of us have, is that my health will suddenly give out. Over the past few years, I have seen my mother deteriorate greatly. In the space of a few months, she suffered a mental breakdown followed by a severe stroke (50 years of smoking will do that). As a result of the latter, at the age of 63, she not only lost use of her left side, she has had to adjust to living in a nursing home, a wheelchair, the loss of her apartment, her independence, and her beloved Jack Russell terrier Pilouk. There is no other way to say it: the transition has been hell. Her response: Despite the fact that she is now on oxygen constantly, she still does her physio, still hopes she will walk someday and still wants to live to be 100. I love her and admire her.

Jim “Tug” Taylor was selected as Mr Mid-Atlantic Leather a year ago January. About halfway through his title year, he found out that his kidneys were giving out on him, that he needed a transplant, and required dialysis. His response: Though he slowed down his activities, he remained as active as he could. He joined forces with Ms World Leather 2004 Pandora to raise awareness about organ donation (have you signed your card?). At his step-aside a few weeks ago he apologized for the fact that his kidneys stepped aside before he did. With those words, he broke my heart and solidified the admiration I have for him.

Joelle and Brook we walking hand in hand in the Mount Royal district of Montreal on Friday, January 21 of this year. At precisely 16:15, as they leaned into each other to steal a little kiss at the corner of Mount-Royal and Saint-Denis, a man smacked one on the back of the head with such a force the other required a visit to the hospital, stitches, and suffered bruising to her face. Their response: Not only did they file a police report, they took pictures, posted them to a website, and are currently putting together a kiss-in to take place, same time, same corner, exactly one week to the day (January 28) they were assaulted. I have never met these women, but I heard of their story through my friend Manon. I have written to them to applaud their courage and have been helping to promote the kiss-in as much as possible. I admire them for taking a stand against violence instead just rolling over (it would have been much easier). I know that I will meet them someday.

In 2005, it is my wish that we all live life head-on, face challenges, overcome fears and obstacles, and proactively act as forces for positive change in our Community.

Yet another Mr Leather Ottawa-Outaouais contest weekend has come and gone and, once again, the Ottawa Knights and their team of volunteers have surpassed themselves with a fantastic event.

With a move from Barrymore’s to the Capital City Music Hall (the staff of which was just great to us, particularly when you consider it was our first time working together) many things could have gone wrong. Fortunately, things ran quite smoothly and the event was most enjoyable.

Congratulations must be given to the outgoing MLO Steven Hould for the solid job he did this year. He kept working until the very last moment, kick-starting the 2004 Toys for Tots drive by collecting $900 in donations from the audience (please remember to drop off you unwrapped toy or cash donation at the next Bar Knight on December 11).

Kudos must also go out to all the contestants. I applaud the courage of those who took the bold step to get on stage for the first time as well as the noticeable growth in one year from those who returned to compete. This year’s podium consisting of Mr Leather Ottawa-Outaouais 2005 Shawn Carroll, first runner-up Darren Fisher, and second runner-up Squeeky competed fiercely and fairly, pushing each other hard to deliver in the clutch.

Finally, we must honour the contributions of all the volunteers and event sponsors without which this event would either not occur or be a paler, blander version of itself. Thank you for your continued support.

Final figures are not in as of yet, but we have great hope that a decent donation will be able to be made to the AIDS Committee of Ottawa, the official beneficiary of this year’s contest weekend.

One of the things I noticed in particular this year was the number of younger people in the crowd who came for the party. In addition, there is an ever-increasing attendance from our heterosexual and bisexual kinky and Leather-clad friends. I, for one, think it is amazing that with every passing year, it is becoming more natural for them to feel welcome in our space. As the saying goes in French: plus on est de fous, plus on rit (the more fools there are, the more we laugh). All this bodes well for the future of the event.

All this being said, one question remains: Where are the women? Granted, there were more women in attendance this year than last, but most came from the heterosexual and bisexual crowd. Maybe the real question is: Where are the Lesbians, the Leather Dykes, the Biker Chicks and the Kinky Femmes?

One of the last events of the weekend was a presentation of Mr Leather Ottawa-Hull 2002 Alex Wisniowski’s documentary My Leather Jacket at Swizzles on Sunday afternoon. The screening was followed by what turned out to be a very interesting discussion, led by Canadian Leather Woman 2004 Jayne Schmid, Ms Leather Ottawa-Outaouais 2004 Janice Michaud and Toronto Bootblack 2003 boi joe (aka Kathryn Hunter), on the place of women in the Leather Community.

I feel that many out there believe that the Leatherscene is driven by masculine energy. In some ways, I guess you could say that is true, at least on the surface. However, values such as integrity, community, tolerance, brotherhood/sisterhood and respect for diversity are part of the very essence of Leatherfolk. I have always held firm to the belief that a masculine vs. feminine energy vision of the Leather Community is misrepresentative, a divisive and false debate created by those who would pervert the core values of our Community to exclude anything that could be considered feminine or weak.

The Leatherscene is driven by Leather/Kinky energy. It is a unifying energy that seeks to promote our love for the hide, our love of freedom of sexual expression, exploration and the journey of sexual self-discovery. The essence of our Community is that I respect, without judgement, your right to do what turns your crank (as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual – and you behave in a risk-aware fashion). In exchange, I expect that you grant me the same consideration in return.

It is about open-mindedness, asking questions, finding out what makes each other tick and being able to grasp how someone else can find certain activities that I may deem to be “not for me” exciting and stimulating. It is very hypocritical of us to expect those outside the scene to accept Leatherfolk without judgement if we are, at the same time, passing judgement on those who are different from us within our own Community.

There is more than enough room for sissy maids, cross-dressers, happy-bouncy boys who don’t look butch and women of all types in our kinky realm. In the Leather Community, women are definitely not “the weaker sex”. I have oft heard tales from Leathermen across Europe and North America about how hard women, particularly the Leatherdykes, can play. These were always related with admiration and awe.

The Leatherwomen I count as my friends often tell me how Leathermen have great discussions with them about the spirituality and emotion that is experienced in their individual journeys. We have in a common a shared Leather experience regardless of gender or what is considered to be stereotypically masculine or feminine. Herein lies one of the great strengths of our Community.

While there will always be a need for Leathermen to be together in “male space” and Leatherwomen to be together in “female space”, just as we need, at times, to be together is “gay space” vs. “pansexual space”, there is no good reason for which we cannot share space as well.

With that, I am pleased to announce an upcoming event on our region’s kink calendar: the third annual Leather Luau and the second Ms Leather Ottawa-Outaouais contest.  The weekend will take place from February 17 – 20, 2005.

We are currently accepting applications for Ms Leather 2005 contestants. The contest is open to women of